  
The Ten Biggest Myths About Grief: The biggest myth about grief is that we “get over” it. We don’t. We absorb our loss and learn from it. We are changed forever after someone we love dies. The harsh reality of loss brings acute grief, a pain that is all consuming, overwhelming, and unpredictable. Grief does not follow an orderly path through stages, phases, and tasks, and come to an end that is clearly defined by “acceptance,” closure,” and “emotional detachment.” It is a myth that when a love one dies, our relationship with that person ends. When a person isn’t there anymore, the relationship doesn’t end, it changes. You still love the person, think of him/her, remember events (good and bad), talk to that person. To reconcile ourselves to the loss we must confront the pain of grief while working to establish our new role. It is a myth that people who experience the same loss will have the same grief. Everyone grieves differently and in their own unique way. There is no right or wrong way, just different. The idea that there is one right way to grieve is yet another myth. The pain that accompanies loss makes us wish for a comforting formula, a prescriptive cure. Each person’s grief is unique and as individual as fingerprints. Grief is not a problem to be solved or a disorder to be cured; it is a process to be lived. We honor that process when we permit people to grieve in their own way, and do not withdraw our support or offer empty platitudes and clichés. It is a myth that time heals all wounds. It’s what we do with the time that counts. Healing begins as we acknowledge our true feelings, whatever they are, and share our stories with at least one other person. Those who help us heal don’t say “I know how you feel.” They ask, “What was it like for you?” Then they listen without judgment and without giving advice. These emphatic listeners know it is a myth that all losses are the same. Because my son died does not mean that I understand what your loss is like for you. Many people believe the myth that feeling and expressing intense grief emotions is a sign of weakness and losing control. Grievers are often advised to keep a stiff upper lip, be strong, and the pain will pass. We experience grief in body, mind, heart, and soul. If we deny its impact, we deny our very selves and the influence our loved one had and continues to have in our life. Acknowledging pain helps loosen its grip on us. Eventually the day will come when we realize the pain has diminished some, even though we miss our loved one just as much. For most people the pain of grief does not decrease in a steadily declining fashion but with the jarring ups and downs of a roller-coaster ride. Detours, unfinished business, and back-pedaling are common. This gradual taking in and learning to live with loss proceeds at its own pace, always much slower than anyone would want. Give yourself permission to accept that it takes as long as it takes. Remember, too, it is a myth that once grief is resolved it never comes up again. Most people who find peace after a major loss still experience occasional, temporary upsurges of grief, often around holidays and anniversaries. Society tends to teach that everything about grief is negative and devastating. Erma Bombeck learned differently. At one time she believed that there are just some things you don’t poke fun at. Children with cancer taught her that she was wrong. “laughter, “ she said, “rises out of tragedy when you need it the most and rewards you for your courage.” Humor is an effective treatment for pain and it is life affirming. As George Bernard Shaw put it: “Life does not cease to be funny when people die, any more that it ceases to be serious when people laugh.” Do not let pain be the only expression of your love and your grief. Another common myth is that religion and spiritual beliefs always bring comfort during times of loss. Many do find solace in their faith. But it is also normal to experience a spiritual crisis and to question our beliefs. You may find it hard to pray or too painful to attend church. This is common. Hurtful comments often made to the newly bereaved include: “It’s God’s will” or “He/she is in a better place”. Those making such comments are usually trying to help and are well-intentioned. However most newly bereaved resent such comments and often want to express their anger but are hesitant to do so. For many people, grieving is a wilderness experience. It looks and feels like chaos. Recognizing that chaos is normal when we are grieving helps us realize we’re not going crazy – we just feel crazy. That understanding brings hope. Yet understanding our grief and sharing it with supportive people does not mean there won’t be times when we feel alone.
|