Whether your loved one died recently or decades ago, the holidays bring forth powerful memories that may trigger your grief.  If the person died on or near a holiday, the two events are forever linked and may be particularly painful, especially if you have unresolved feelings about the lost relationship.  The following are some tips to help you cope during this difficult time of year:

DO:

• Expect to have some pain.  When the feelings come, let them.
• Accept a few invitations to be with close family or friends.  Choose   the ones that sound most appealing at the time and avoid the ones that feel more like obligation.
• Talk about your feelings.  Let people know if you are having a tough day.
• Incorporate your loved one into the holidays.
• Share your favorite stories over dinner.
• Make a toast or light a candle in remembrance.
• Make a donation in his or her name.
• Help others (take a meal to a homebound person or volunteer in a soup kitchen or shelter)
• Modify or make new traditions if it feels right.  Just remember to include others who are grieving, especially children, in the decision.
• If the idea of holiday shopping overwhelms you, buy gifts online or through catalogs.
• Prepare yourself for January.  Sometimes the aftermath of the holidays can bring more sadness than the holidays themselves.

DON’T:

• Don’t hide your feelings from children in an effort to be strong for them or protect them.  You’ll only be teaching them to deny their own feelings.
• Don’t isolate yourself.  Although you may not feel much like celebrating, accept a few invitations.
• Don’t accept every invitation or throw yourself into work in an effort to keep busy.  It may only add more stress.
• Don’t expect to go through defined stages of grief, remember everyone is unique and deals with this differently.
• Don’t ignore or avoid mentioning your loved one’s name or as though nothing is different.
• Don’t be afraid to cry.  ”Crying is like the valve on a pressure cooker.  It let’s the steam out!”

 If someone you know is grieving:

• Encourage him/her to talk about their feelings.  Listen to them.  More than 98% of people who recently bereaved want to talk about the person who died.
• Let them cry.
• Don’t pretend that nothing has happened – it’s okay to say the deceased’s name, the bereaved person needs to hear someone else say the name of their loved one.
• Don’t say things like:
  1. At least he’s not suffering anymore.
  2. She’s in a better place.
  3. I know you’ll miss him.
  4. I know how you feel.
  5. You need to put this behind you and at least pretend to be enjoying the holidays for your (children, spouse, parents, friends).