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Coping with Holiday Grief
At holiday time,
many people are dealing with loss and are often caught in a dilemma
between the need to grieve and the pressure to get into the spirit
of the season. Holidays or not, it is important for the bereaved to
find ways to take care of themselves. The following guidelines may
be helpful:
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Plan ahead as
to where and how you will spend your time during the holidays.
Let yourself scale back on activities if you want to. Redefine
your holiday expectations. This can be a transition year to begin
new traditions and let some of the old ones go.
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Select a
candle in your loved one’s favorite color and scent. Place it in
a special area of your home and light it at a significant time
throughout the holidays, signifying the light of the love that
lives on in your heart.
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Give yourself
permission to express your feelings. If you feel an urge to cry,
let the tears flow. Tears are healing. Scientists have found that
certain brain chemicals in our tears are natural pain relievers.
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Shakespeare
once said, “Give sorrow words….”Write an “un-sent letter” to your
loved one expressing what you are honestly feeling toward him or
her at this moment. After you compose the letter, you may decide
to place it in a book, album or drawer in your home, leave it at
the memorial site, throw it away, or even burn it and let the
ashes rise symbolically.
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When you are
especially missing your loved one, call family members or dear
friends and share your feelings. If they knew him or her,
consider asking them to share some memories of times they shared
with your loved one.
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If you live
within driving distance of the cemetery, decorate the memorial
site with a holiday theme. This could include flowers, garlands,
ribbons, bows, evergreen branches, pinecones or a miniature
Christmas tree. Decorating the site yourself can be helpful in
remembering and celebrating your loved one’s life during the
holidays, and may free you to cherish the present holiday with
your remaining family.
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Play music
that is comforting and meaningful to you. Take a few moments to
close your eyes and feel the music within the center of your
being.
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Give money
you would have spent for gifts for your absent loved one to a
charity in your family member’s name. Consider donating money to
the public library to buy a particular book. Have the book
dedicated to your loved one’s memory. Buy a present for a child
who would not otherwise have a gift during the holiday season.
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Read a book
or article on grief. Some suggestions are: Don’t Take My Grief
Away from Me by Doug Manning; The Comfort Book for those Who Mourn
by Anna Trimiew; and Roses in December by Marilyn Heavilin.
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Remember the
reality that the anticipation of the holidays without your loved
one is often harder than the actual holidays themselves.
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